Tired…

It seems as the days go by, the weaker, more fatigued, more tired I am.  I go to bed tired, wake up exhausted, and yet I manage to go to work and put in a full 8 hours, Monday – Friday.

Most people my age are just getting started, they are in the prime of their lives and all I want to do is medicate and sleep, even eating is a chore.

I have chickens and dogs to care for, and here lately, I’ve contemplated selling off the chickens, so I don’t have to get up so early in the morning to feed them, nor spend the time it takes after I get home from work giving them fresh water. Here in the south, fresh water is a must, it should be every day and I used to, until my fusion, now they are lucky to get fresh water every other day because I’m in too much pain to bend, stoop, undo the water containers, fill up, and walk them back to the the pens.  Sorry, I know, but I’m only being honest, for who ever cares, smile.

I can’t get rid of my dogs, they are my children, I just wish I had help with the three that aren’t mine.  I put their feed in their plates every morning, get on the floor (and wallow around a few minutes before managing to get up) and beg them to eat.  My two will always eat (Chichi’s) but the other three, I’ve given to picking up their food, putting in back in the containers, putting it in the frig, and moving on to the next task of the morning – getting ready for work.  I keep dry dog food down, so if they want to eat before I get home, they can eat dry food, the wet food is a treat, to give them something different, but if they don’t want it, I’m not going to beg them.

Life was going fine until I was rear-ended, 2 Aug 2011, then everything changed.  I couldn’t exercise, I started gaining weight, I had surgery, and now I can’t seem to get out of this slump I’m in.  I’ve tried, to no avail, the ever present pain keeps me down and when I do try to walk/do yoga the next day is even more painful than the day before.

I beg God do heal me, or just take some of the pain away, so I can function and get my life back, but apparently, He’s too busy dealing with ding-dongs who are trying to hurt/kill/take over the world and He knows I’ll keep plugging along, even if it’s at a snails pace.  I won’t quit, He didn’t make me that way, and my parents didn’t rear me that way either, so it’s ‘Onward, ho!” pain and all.

And then I see people, read about people, who are in worse shape than me and I feel SOOOO freakin’ bad for feeling bad. However, I’m human, and pain is pain, I just have to find a way to be an overcomer, again!

God bless and Namaste!

 

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“Grace for the Good Girl” part 2

Ok, so chapters 4, 5 and 6 are finished…and below are the responses I posted to our group.

Again, I add, please no judging, or calling the cops; otherwise, I’ll keep the responses on the closed group. I hope my responses will help someone who comes across my blog and reads it and knows they are not alone in their feelings.

There were 3 questions asked, but I only answered the first two because I didn’t feel a response for the third question, yet I’m listing it and leaving it blank.  Maybe someone will see it, and find they need to find their answer to the question.  Again, these are my responses, what would your response be – after reading the book of course?

‎1. What is your main reason for hiding behind your fake fine? Is it because you are afraid (what will they think of me!), lazy (it takes too much work and I need a nap and a bowl of ice cream), or something else?

Response: I hide behind my fake fine because I don’t want people to think I’m mental and need to be committed, smile. It’s the truth though. People really don’t want to know what I’m thinking or feeling, at least those I work with and know. Now there are a few people I can trust with my thoughts, but in the back of my head that little voice is always saying be careful, don’t tell too much. I hate that little voice. Sometimes I want to get on the tallest building I can find, and get the strongest PA system I can find and with a microphone tell the world what is going on in my head. I want to know I’m not alone in my thoughts. I want people to sincerely listen, to sincerely care, and not be complacent with a fake fine from me. (Wow that took a lot of energy to write, laugh.)

2. In what ways do you resonate with Martha’s good girl ways?

Response: I’m all about getting things done that I don’t stop long enough to smell the roses and Jesus was the rose in the room and Martha just kept right on working on the physical things in her surroundings, never once stopping to take into account the spiritual being sitting in her living room! Most of the time, I’m too busy with other things to stop and realize I need that spiritual touch from God. When I do stop, it’s usually way past time and I feel so guilty that I don’t feel like I deserve anything He’s giving/offering me.

‎3. Has your idea of the spiritual disciplines and the purpose of the law shifted in reading chapter six? If so, in what ways?

I may return to expound on these responses, but for now this is where I am….

In prayer….

“Grace for the Good Girl” part 1

Ok, so as if I have nothing on my plate, I joined a ‘book club’ and we are reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman.

We are ‘assigned’ chapters to read and meditate on and then we meet up on a closed group on FB and discuss the book.  Emily is doing the leading in the online group discussion, so we have someone keep us on track.  The book club for this book will last 8 weeks, beginning today, as we ‘meet’ every Thursday.

I will not give away anything in the book, only to say every woman needs to read it.  I downloaded it on my Kindle and have been glued to it, trying hard not to get ahead of the group.

I will tell you one thing, it’s hard reading the words on the page and knowing God is pointing His graceful finger along the way.

I will blog about it after our ‘meeting’ and do my best to reflect without giving anything away, see above statement.

For now, let’s just say, I’m trying to come out of hiding, trying to find those different masks of life I wear and take them off, so the world knows me as God knows me.

In prayer….

Jude 1:1-7

I have finally figured it out! Smile, and I’m so ‘proud’ of myself.  

In church yesterday, the pastor, who happens to be my father, was teaching out of Jude and the thought for the sermon was “…put you in remembrance”.  The lesson was out of Jude 1:3 specifically, on “common salvation”.

Now, I don’t talk to my parents about every battle raging inside me, contrary to popular belief, but my Heavenly Father always knows, and He always gets me in church, laugh.

I’ve been struggling with friend issues.  When I was out and about the world, I had ‘friends’ galore!  Since I’ve changed my ways those same ‘friends’ no longer care to have me around.  Usually this wouldn’t bother me as I’m not usually a social animal, but for some reason, here lately, it has been getting to be badly.  I think it’s because I’m turning 40 and I have no husband, no children, and I depended on my ‘friends’ to be there for me, but alas, no.  I’m learning, this late in life, your friends are only your friends when you are doing what they want.  

They do not want me to go eat with them because I no longer drink.  They don’t invite me over because I don’t drink.  They don’t…I could go on, but it’s not worth it.

After Sunday’s lesson, I finally understand why.  They don’t want me around because I ‘put them in remembrance” of what they should be doing for the Kingdom of God. I let my light shine for Christ and they don’t want any part of Him, yet!  They want the world and all it offers, and only run to Jesus (or call on Him) when they get in trouble.

They remind me of a child with a new toy.  They play with it for a few minutes then throw it aside and go back and get it when they want.  One day they are going to call on Jesus and He is going to turn a deaf ear to them. You don’t believe me, read your Bible, I’m not telling you where to find it! 

I do have good Christian friends, but when you ‘lose’ friends because of your change of lifestyle, it hurts. I don’t know if it shouldn’t, but I’m soft hearted, and it does hurt me.

The hurt will go away, after a while; and my desire to still be a part of them will fade with time, I suppose; but I will always care for them, as Jesus cares for me.  And I will go to them in their time of need, as Jesus does for me, but one day, they will call and neither I nor Jesus will be there for we will be about our Father’s business.

Blessing!

Topper’s lesson

Yesterday, my game hen was found.  She had been missing since Sunday afternoon.  Topper, named because she is a blue-top game hen, is the best brooding hen one could wish for.  When she went missing, I thought something had gotten her, or scared her into a hiding place that she’d eventually come out of.  Well she showed back up and my daddy made it his mission to find her when she disappeared after he fed her.  He found her, sitting on a clutch of eggs.  The last few times she’s tried to sit, I’ve taken away the eggs because it has been too hot.
As the sun went down last night, we took her out of her hiding place and when I picked her up she attacked me, I knew she would, but there lay 10 eggs.  10!  I couldn’t believe she had been saving up that many eggs to hatch out.  Anyway, I put her eggs in the pen, sit her on the eggs and backed out of the pen and she went ballistic, to say the least.  It took me three tries to get her to sit on the eggs, and the last time I put her on the eggs, I held her down with one hand and pretended to get the eggs with the other and she immediately hit me.  I turned her lose and she started making those hen noises when you know they are talking to their eggs.  (Don’t laugh, it really happens!)
As I backed out of the pen and watched her for a few minutes to make sure she was going to take them, I heard God whisper, “See, this is what you do.  You fight back at me, and I have to gently put you back where I want you, hold you there until I can make you see you are safe.  You are in a place where I can protect you.  I can’t protect you out there.  If only my people could understand they are safe under my wings (in my hands).”
I sort of held my breathe, not sure what to do next.  I looked at Topper and started to cry.  I thought I had lost her.  I just knew a hawk or dog had gotten her.  When she came back home, I was so very excited.
Then I realized, God was right.  I fight Him, kicking and screaming to do things my way.  Melissa’s way is always the best way!  In reality, it’s not.  This is how God looks at us vs the world.  His heart is broken every time we sin, and he cries and mourns from the potential loss of a child.  When we return unto Him, He is there with open arms.  We just have to come back home!
I suppose, I’ll stop fighting back and start fighting with Him.
Jesus is waiting….

I got this…

Why is it when we get in trouble, need emotional or physical help, that we, as humans, automatically assume we can handle the issue/problem without any help?

No lengthy post, just a question. We often realize too late that we need someone or multiple someones to help us through the storm.

One of my favorite songs I sing in church a lot, “Praise you in this storm” by Casting Crown, is my motto.

You never know what storm a person is going through, so say a prayer for those you know, and don’t know, as God knows all about it.

In prayer…