We all have one, don’t we?

Is it just me and my family, or do other families have that certain person who always knows how to thrust in the knife and twist?

This is the first 4 of July we haven’t had a certain family member with us because the other half is upset and pouting about something that wasn’t under anyone’s control. Not only that, when my mother sent me to town to purchase food items (from my pocket) to prepare them dinner for a special occasion the other half suddenly was ill and didn’t feel like coming up.  Then yesterday, we were all over at this person’s house, this person never came out to say hey, how you doing, kill my @ss, nothing, but the minute the baby is taken back inside, oh, it’s bath time, never mind we haven’t seen the baby in almost a week.

The better half in the relationship doesn’t have the guts to stop the other half from treating us this way and, you know, it’s getting old quick.  I will get my turn to tell this other half how badly we are being treated, but not before I tell the better half.

If it wasn’t for the baby, I would’ve told the other half long ago, but I’m trying hard to keep the peace and let God do His thing, but I’m tired of waiting and me and my family being treated like sh*t, especially when we’d lay our lives down for all four of them if that’s what it took!

And life goes on….

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Tired…

It seems as the days go by, the weaker, more fatigued, more tired I am.  I go to bed tired, wake up exhausted, and yet I manage to go to work and put in a full 8 hours, Monday – Friday.

Most people my age are just getting started, they are in the prime of their lives and all I want to do is medicate and sleep, even eating is a chore.

I have chickens and dogs to care for, and here lately, I’ve contemplated selling off the chickens, so I don’t have to get up so early in the morning to feed them, nor spend the time it takes after I get home from work giving them fresh water. Here in the south, fresh water is a must, it should be every day and I used to, until my fusion, now they are lucky to get fresh water every other day because I’m in too much pain to bend, stoop, undo the water containers, fill up, and walk them back to the the pens.  Sorry, I know, but I’m only being honest, for who ever cares, smile.

I can’t get rid of my dogs, they are my children, I just wish I had help with the three that aren’t mine.  I put their feed in their plates every morning, get on the floor (and wallow around a few minutes before managing to get up) and beg them to eat.  My two will always eat (Chichi’s) but the other three, I’ve given to picking up their food, putting in back in the containers, putting it in the frig, and moving on to the next task of the morning – getting ready for work.  I keep dry dog food down, so if they want to eat before I get home, they can eat dry food, the wet food is a treat, to give them something different, but if they don’t want it, I’m not going to beg them.

Life was going fine until I was rear-ended, 2 Aug 2011, then everything changed.  I couldn’t exercise, I started gaining weight, I had surgery, and now I can’t seem to get out of this slump I’m in.  I’ve tried, to no avail, the ever present pain keeps me down and when I do try to walk/do yoga the next day is even more painful than the day before.

I beg God do heal me, or just take some of the pain away, so I can function and get my life back, but apparently, He’s too busy dealing with ding-dongs who are trying to hurt/kill/take over the world and He knows I’ll keep plugging along, even if it’s at a snails pace.  I won’t quit, He didn’t make me that way, and my parents didn’t rear me that way either, so it’s ‘Onward, ho!” pain and all.

And then I see people, read about people, who are in worse shape than me and I feel SOOOO freakin’ bad for feeling bad. However, I’m human, and pain is pain, I just have to find a way to be an overcomer, again!

God bless and Namaste!

 

Never in a million years…

did I think my Samson would ever learn to trust a child again.

Sam learned to distrust children at a very young age and has even snapped at a few children since.  There’s no need to re-hash the reason, suffice it to say my ex-husband let his grandchildren treat Sam any way they wanted to (when I wasn’t around), thus scarring him for life – or so I thought.

Enter Lily, my 14 month old niece.  Sam did not like her when she was crawling and would growl and run from her.  We had to keep a constant eye on him.  Now Lily is walking and we have taught her how to feed the dogs (open handed so they don’t bite her fingers) and Sam seems to be the one who is now trusting a child again.  He follows her everywhere in hopes of food as she is ALWAYS eating, laugh.  Sam has learned she will feed him and he, at 11 years old, has learned to trust again.  He will let her touch his tail, his back, and I stop it there.  I still don’t want to take the chance of him of him having an off day and bite her, for he is unpredictable in his old age.

Now if my ‘son’ can learn to trust children again after being abused, why can’t I learn to trust men again?  What is my major malfunction?

In deep thought….

“Grace for the Good Girl” part 2

Ok, so chapters 4, 5 and 6 are finished…and below are the responses I posted to our group.

Again, I add, please no judging, or calling the cops; otherwise, I’ll keep the responses on the closed group. I hope my responses will help someone who comes across my blog and reads it and knows they are not alone in their feelings.

There were 3 questions asked, but I only answered the first two because I didn’t feel a response for the third question, yet I’m listing it and leaving it blank.  Maybe someone will see it, and find they need to find their answer to the question.  Again, these are my responses, what would your response be – after reading the book of course?

‎1. What is your main reason for hiding behind your fake fine? Is it because you are afraid (what will they think of me!), lazy (it takes too much work and I need a nap and a bowl of ice cream), or something else?

Response: I hide behind my fake fine because I don’t want people to think I’m mental and need to be committed, smile. It’s the truth though. People really don’t want to know what I’m thinking or feeling, at least those I work with and know. Now there are a few people I can trust with my thoughts, but in the back of my head that little voice is always saying be careful, don’t tell too much. I hate that little voice. Sometimes I want to get on the tallest building I can find, and get the strongest PA system I can find and with a microphone tell the world what is going on in my head. I want to know I’m not alone in my thoughts. I want people to sincerely listen, to sincerely care, and not be complacent with a fake fine from me. (Wow that took a lot of energy to write, laugh.)

2. In what ways do you resonate with Martha’s good girl ways?

Response: I’m all about getting things done that I don’t stop long enough to smell the roses and Jesus was the rose in the room and Martha just kept right on working on the physical things in her surroundings, never once stopping to take into account the spiritual being sitting in her living room! Most of the time, I’m too busy with other things to stop and realize I need that spiritual touch from God. When I do stop, it’s usually way past time and I feel so guilty that I don’t feel like I deserve anything He’s giving/offering me.

‎3. Has your idea of the spiritual disciplines and the purpose of the law shifted in reading chapter six? If so, in what ways?

I may return to expound on these responses, but for now this is where I am….

In prayer….

My birthday party

My sister begged me to let her throw me a birthday party. Mind you I’m not the socializing kind. We had all my immediate family, an adopted sister, and Barbara and Lexee, now graphed in as family.

We all gathered at Mack’s on the River, I had my own princess hat I wore all evening, and ate more than was allowed by law, I’m sure. Then we had cupcakes my sister made for me, and we opened gifts.

Now none of this was embarassing until the staff headed our way singing. I could’ve crawled under the table. At least my sister had mercy and didn’t tell them my age.

I missed those whom we had invited but were unable to join us, for whatever reason. I really missed my ISSS ladies. They are more like family than co-workers.

This was my first birthday party EVER and my baby sister did pretty good!

I’ll post pix later, as I have to wait for everyone to send me theirs because I didn’t take any pix, I was too busy socializing! Lol.

Namaste!

“Grace for the Good Girl” part 1

Ok, so as if I have nothing on my plate, I joined a ‘book club’ and we are reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman.

We are ‘assigned’ chapters to read and meditate on and then we meet up on a closed group on FB and discuss the book.  Emily is doing the leading in the online group discussion, so we have someone keep us on track.  The book club for this book will last 8 weeks, beginning today, as we ‘meet’ every Thursday.

I will not give away anything in the book, only to say every woman needs to read it.  I downloaded it on my Kindle and have been glued to it, trying hard not to get ahead of the group.

I will tell you one thing, it’s hard reading the words on the page and knowing God is pointing His graceful finger along the way.

I will blog about it after our ‘meeting’ and do my best to reflect without giving anything away, see above statement.

For now, let’s just say, I’m trying to come out of hiding, trying to find those different masks of life I wear and take them off, so the world knows me as God knows me.

In prayer….

Jude 1:1-7

I have finally figured it out! Smile, and I’m so ‘proud’ of myself.  

In church yesterday, the pastor, who happens to be my father, was teaching out of Jude and the thought for the sermon was “…put you in remembrance”.  The lesson was out of Jude 1:3 specifically, on “common salvation”.

Now, I don’t talk to my parents about every battle raging inside me, contrary to popular belief, but my Heavenly Father always knows, and He always gets me in church, laugh.

I’ve been struggling with friend issues.  When I was out and about the world, I had ‘friends’ galore!  Since I’ve changed my ways those same ‘friends’ no longer care to have me around.  Usually this wouldn’t bother me as I’m not usually a social animal, but for some reason, here lately, it has been getting to be badly.  I think it’s because I’m turning 40 and I have no husband, no children, and I depended on my ‘friends’ to be there for me, but alas, no.  I’m learning, this late in life, your friends are only your friends when you are doing what they want.  

They do not want me to go eat with them because I no longer drink.  They don’t invite me over because I don’t drink.  They don’t…I could go on, but it’s not worth it.

After Sunday’s lesson, I finally understand why.  They don’t want me around because I ‘put them in remembrance” of what they should be doing for the Kingdom of God. I let my light shine for Christ and they don’t want any part of Him, yet!  They want the world and all it offers, and only run to Jesus (or call on Him) when they get in trouble.

They remind me of a child with a new toy.  They play with it for a few minutes then throw it aside and go back and get it when they want.  One day they are going to call on Jesus and He is going to turn a deaf ear to them. You don’t believe me, read your Bible, I’m not telling you where to find it! 

I do have good Christian friends, but when you ‘lose’ friends because of your change of lifestyle, it hurts. I don’t know if it shouldn’t, but I’m soft hearted, and it does hurt me.

The hurt will go away, after a while; and my desire to still be a part of them will fade with time, I suppose; but I will always care for them, as Jesus cares for me.  And I will go to them in their time of need, as Jesus does for me, but one day, they will call and neither I nor Jesus will be there for we will be about our Father’s business.

Blessing!