The first of many first….

As the holidays are quickly approaching, I’m beginning to dread them. This will be the first time in 12 years I’ve had a Thanksgiving without Samson. The first time in 12 years I’ve had a Christmas without him.

The holidays always depress me. Always have as I think about everyone without. Samson made the holidays bearable. He loved turkey at Thanksgiving and wasn’t ashamed in the least bit to beg as long as it took for me to cave in. As much as he loved Thanksgiving and the food, he loved Christmas much more. I would buy him treats and toys, wrap them in paper, and he’d unwrap his gifts. If you think he was content with just his gifts, you’d be wrong. He unwrapped all of mine and shred all of the paper for me. Actually, I think he just liked to have a go at the paper. He thought everyone’s gifts were his. We’d wait until a few days before Christmas to put out the gifts because of him. He’d smell and paw no matter how many times we scolded him. He had a knack for finding my gifts. How he knew those were for me, I’ll never know.

There’s a lot of things like that which Sam did. He knew when I was on my way home if I had been gone on a business trip or vacation. He knew how to calm me when no one else knew I was frazzled. It’s those little things I miss.

While I may blog about my animals, I’m a very private person. No one gets in so I don’t get hurt. When Samson died some part of me died, too. I find myself shutting down and locking the door, again. I don’t want to but it’s a fight or flight instinct in us all, and I don’t have any fight left in me. I really want to fight, but it’s not worth the energy.

I have Maebelle and Molly, but it’s different when you have them within their first few weeks of birth. The bond is like that of any animal imprinting on their mother. Only I bonded to him as much as he bonded to me. He gave me stability at a time when my life sucked.

Tears can’t bring him back ’cause if they could, he’d have been home the minute I had him put down. A coworker’s brother wrote “Grief is the price we pay for love.” And the Bible tells us to rejoice in death for there is no more pain and cry at birthing because a life of pain lies ahead. I’m still trying to figure how to rejoice in Samson’s passing when I miss him so dearly.

Ranchrunamuck wrote “if the pain ever goes away, you didn’t do it right.” If this is the case, I did a freakin’ excellent job rearing my awesome, toe-biting, teeth snarling Samson.

I hope you are putting in a good word for mommy ’cause I’m gonna need it. See you on the other side Chubaca.

Muchos besos y abrazos mijito….