No More Pain = No More You [written 29July13]

Sam-Sam, 

Mommy misses you so much! I wish I would’ve had another option than to send you on your way.

I don’t know how to stop the tears, fill the void, be an overcomer of your journey Home. I pray, and pray, and still the pain is stuck in the middle of my heart.

I know you’re not in any pain any more, no more medicine, no more hassling because of the steroids, no more begging for food you couldn’t have (even though I did give it to you every now and then, so did your pawpaw, laugh), no more sleepless nights because you were so hot and I couldn’t cool you down.

I know I’ll keep going, but there are times I’m ready to give up. There are times I pray for God to take me, so I can be with you! The sad part, I know death should be about wanting to be with God, and I do, but I want to be with you! I wonder if God gets mad because I want to see you almost as much, if not more, than I want to see Him?

Everyone thinks I should be over you. Over you, I say. Only when God calls me Home, will I then be over you because I’ll be with you. Smile. Just thinking about that reunion makes me smile. I remember how you would wait for me to come home. You’d sit in the drive way, and when I pulled up to the gate, your ears would go down, your tail would start wagging, and you’d come running. I’d grab you, put you in the car, close the gate and you’d get in my lap and lick my nose and close your eyes as we drove under the carport. I can’t wait to see your ears go down, your tail start wagging, and you jump into my arms like you did when you were young and healthy, smile.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown, then I hear myself say “nope I have to be here for Sam”, now I really don’t have to be here for anyone, so I guess I can break down if I want to. Laugh. No Sam, I know you’d be really disappointed and I would’ve missed the point of you journey here on Earth. You were always there with me through all of life’s ups and downs, now….

Yeah, I know, some of you are going to read this and think I’ve lost it, maybe I have, but no greater love have I ever known and been shown was that of Samson “Chuey” Ravencraft, no greater love….

Until we meet again Sam, I’ll continue to write to you, about you, for you, for me, for my sanity.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy (besos and abrazos mijito)

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