I’m Not Sure…

what has started all the tears again, as if they had ever stopped.

When I find myself in a quiet, calm place, then the tears start to flow. It doesn’t matter if I’m at work, at the gym, or at home.

[Let me interject here readers, I write to keep me sane. I write so I don’t lose touch with reality. I write because that is who I am and have always been, a writer. I have more journals than there are books of the Bible. Each hill I’ve climbed has a journal. Each valley I’ve rested in has a journal. Therefore, don’t let my words give reason to worry. I’ve just found another outlet for my words.]

Now where was I? Oh, it doesn’t matter where I was, it only matters where I’m going. I’m marching onward. I will always look back for my Sam, but know he can only be found going forward. It’s the flesh. My heart yearns for him and yet I know I can not have him back in this life.

If you find this heavy, my paper journal about him would scare you! Nevertheless, I plug away everyday, go home and write when the burden becomes to heavy to carry alone. Just the thought that someone else has read and understands my loss makes all the writing worth it.

I do not understand how parents who lose children find the strength to go on. I do not understand how they don’t cry their eyes out every night. I don’t understand because some days are harder than others, and my Sam was my best friend, the most protective Chihuahua ever to live. He protected me until the day the vet eased his pain, forever.

Great love comes in all shapes, sizes, and life, my great love was Samson….

You are my sunshine,
Mommy

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No More Pain = No More You [written 29July13]

Sam-Sam, 

Mommy misses you so much! I wish I would’ve had another option than to send you on your way.

I don’t know how to stop the tears, fill the void, be an overcomer of your journey Home. I pray, and pray, and still the pain is stuck in the middle of my heart.

I know you’re not in any pain any more, no more medicine, no more hassling because of the steroids, no more begging for food you couldn’t have (even though I did give it to you every now and then, so did your pawpaw, laugh), no more sleepless nights because you were so hot and I couldn’t cool you down.

I know I’ll keep going, but there are times I’m ready to give up. There are times I pray for God to take me, so I can be with you! The sad part, I know death should be about wanting to be with God, and I do, but I want to be with you! I wonder if God gets mad because I want to see you almost as much, if not more, than I want to see Him?

Everyone thinks I should be over you. Over you, I say. Only when God calls me Home, will I then be over you because I’ll be with you. Smile. Just thinking about that reunion makes me smile. I remember how you would wait for me to come home. You’d sit in the drive way, and when I pulled up to the gate, your ears would go down, your tail would start wagging, and you’d come running. I’d grab you, put you in the car, close the gate and you’d get in my lap and lick my nose and close your eyes as we drove under the carport. I can’t wait to see your ears go down, your tail start wagging, and you jump into my arms like you did when you were young and healthy, smile.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown, then I hear myself say “nope I have to be here for Sam”, now I really don’t have to be here for anyone, so I guess I can break down if I want to. Laugh. No Sam, I know you’d be really disappointed and I would’ve missed the point of you journey here on Earth. You were always there with me through all of life’s ups and downs, now….

Yeah, I know, some of you are going to read this and think I’ve lost it, maybe I have, but no greater love have I ever known and been shown was that of Samson “Chuey” Ravencraft, no greater love….

Until we meet again Sam, I’ll continue to write to you, about you, for you, for me, for my sanity.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy (besos and abrazos mijito)

When You Left [written 20Feb13]

I am my Momma's heart!

I am my Momma’s heart!

Dedicated to Samson “Chuey” Ravencraft

When you left, it was so sudden. I never saw it coming; otherwise, I would’ve looked the other way.

When you left, you took part of my heart. A part, I’m afraid, I can never regain.

When you left, I grieved so much that the physical pain was too much to bear. Then I remembered, you were given to me in my weakest moment. You made we strong, you made me have to fight, you made me. An angel sent from Heaven in the form of a 1 lb. 6 oz Chihuahua.

When I started to fall, you looked me eye to eye with all the understanding of a human and made me stand tall.

It took you 11 years and 8 months to teach me one lesson – I am strong.

I will cry for you, but I am strong.

I will grieve for you, but I am strong.

I will want to give up, but I am strong.

I will try to give up, but I will see those eyes and know I am strong.

I will lose sleep over you, but I am strong.

I will remember your eyes, your bark, your playfulness and I will remember, you were strong.

You carried me until your death. Your soul was willing to continue with the load, but your body wasn’t able.

You were loyal even in death. You were strong, yet you did not fight. You went back from whence you came with all the strength God gave you.

I know, without a doubt, God gave you to me. I know, without a doubt, God took you from me.  I know, without a doubt, God will allow us to be reunited.  And I know, without a doubt, that will be the happiest day of my life!!!!!!!!!

I know I love you with every breath I take.  I know I love you with every beat of my heart.  I know I love you more than life itself and would’ve gladly traded places that fateful Thursday, if I had only been given the chance.

One thing is certain, death. One thing is promised, we will be together again, in Heaven!