I arrived at the studio frustrated, with my feelings hurt, and a tad bit upset because of a certain situation I had encountered prior to arriving at the studio.
When I sat down on the mat, I immediately started to cry. I hate it when people I love make me cry. It’s as if I’m not worthy of any of their respect or consideration for my situation. It’s appears as if it’s all about them. So there I sat, crying and feeling like the fool that I am for crying.
Class started and for the next 75 mins I wobbled and weaved and shook, a very clear indication that I wasn’t present on my mat. My mind was clearly on my feelings and my body was going through the motions.
I really felt bad for Tammy because I wasn’t responding to any of her facial cues, but it wasn’t because of anything she had done, it was because I couldn’t find the smile in me. (I’m sorry Tammy!)
My mind is wore out as I have contemplated the situation all night. My body is following my mind and is in pain. I know all of this is my fault, as it always turns out to be, but I’m so tired….
I think a long yoga retreat might be helpful, I just can’t afford them, as they are so expensive. I try so hard not to do anything wrong, and when I do mess up, boy howdy, I do it with flying colors, sad smile.
My body did benefit from the yoga practice last night as I’m sore, but my mind is still reeling!
Peace, serenity, kindness, long-suffering, LOVE, all of these things seem way out of reach right now.
I did do an up the wall handstand BY MYSELF. I pored all of my feelings into it and not only did I do it once, I did it twice, with good form. I was proud of myself during that time. I held the first one for 10 breathes, the second for less I’m sure because my wrist were starting to hurt. (Amy would’ve been proud, I didn’t have to have her feet!)
I love my yoga community. They don’t judge me, they don’t ask questions when I cry, they only project their love and peace in my direction, which I most certainly can feel.
To sum all the rambling up, the lack of concentration on the mat equals a very ungrounded yoga practice.