Fear…

Last night, yoga was all about ‘befriending our fear’.  Not just the fear of doing yoga poses, although that was what we were there for, but about confronting the fear we face outside the yoga studio.

As Tammy began to read before our session, again I felt like she had managed to get into my head WAY before yoga class (and that scares me, and should scare her, laugh).  At 9AM yesterday morning, I found out I had to have surgery on my neck, an anterior cervical discectomy and fusion, to be exact. The doc sent me home to do my homework, watch a video, read about it, do my research and come back if/when I was ready to do the procedure.  To say I was scared would be an understatement, I was truly paralyzed with fear.  The kind of fear I haven’t felt in a very long time.  As the day wore on, I slowly made myself nauseous thinking about it, after having done my homework.

Again, it turned into one of those days, I couldn’t wait for yoga class.  I couldn’t wait for Tammy to close the studio door, lock it, and keep the world out.  And I’ll be dang if she didn’t just bring the fear I’d been facing all day right on to my mat. Wait! What?  She couldn’t do that, how did she know?!  How did she know I was facing a giant?  Again, for the second class in a row, she had managed to find the root of my issue.  Now mind you, I’m not the only one in this class!  I’m sure others have their own gaints they are facing, but when it follows you into the yoga studio and your instructor sets it down on your mat in front of you and says ‘face your fear’, learn to ‘befriend your fear’, one starts to wonder just where she’s plugged into….

The class was challenging for me, as always – I suppose the day it stops being challenging, is the day I stop doing yoga, and I had to push myself through, which I did, facing my fears the whole way.

Then just when I thought it couldn’t get anymore challenging, Tammy says everyone grab a partner and we are going to do assisted half-moon pose.  Dear Lord, please give me a break, was what I was thinking, laugh.  Tammy took me under her wings, as she so often does (thank you Tammy, I love you!) and she had me come to the front where everyone could see me (WHAT?!!!!) and she guided us all through it.  Now I’m sure my half-moon pose beginning wasn’t pretty, AT ALL, but I did it and it felt good to stand there knowing I’d done it, with help, but I’d done it!  I was so excited!!!!!  Now you have to remember, since my wreck in August, I’ve been banned from everything for the most part, so my core strength, hahaha, what is that?, doesn’t exist anymore, so ‘raising my leg up while I was bent over’ wasn’t easy and I was just able to get the toes up and Tammy helped the rest of the way.

This was my first time to ever be the person everyone was watching do it, right or wrong, and while I was afraid to be the one everyone was looking at, it didn’t kill me, I didn’t embarrass myself too bad, nor did I hurt myself or Tammy, so next time, I’ll be able to do it without ‘fear’. (I can check that one off my list, grin.)

Then she had us do up assisted handstands against the wall.  Now my doc said no “headstands” and after about 30 seconds I decided a handstand was not a headstand and I gave it a try.  Tammy was needed around the room, so Amy helped me.  I got up the first time, but my wrist are so bad that I held it long enough to say “oh blank, I’m doing it” and down my feet came.  I did try a second time, but the wrist weren’t having it, so after getting half way up, I had to come out of it.  Again, for the second time last night, I’d done something I was afraid of, and I didn’t kill over, or hurt Amy (thank you Amy!), or ‘hurt’ myself, although the wrist were killing me.

My yoga studio, yes I consider it mine in that it feels like my safe haven, had yet again watched me do three things I would’ve never done on my own; a half-moon pose, a handstand and allowing someone to assist me into those poses (trusting they’d have my back). For those of you who know me, know trust is a HUGE issue for me in general!

My yoga lesson on the mat, wasn’t just physical, yet again, it was emotional, spiritual, and mental.  Through facing my fear I find “faith, courage and pose”.

Thank you Tammy for a yoga session well taught….

Namaste!

 

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